


What's Mine, But Only You Can Have, Except You Don't Want It?

by WitherAndDecay



Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Confessions, Drinking, Engagement, Get this boy a blanket hot chocolate and cuddles, Happy Ending, He also really hates Isabella, Hurt, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Love Confessions, M/M, Oswald is hurt too much, POV Alternating, Suicidal Thoughts, Too much heartbreak, yay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-20
Updated: 2020-09-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:07:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26016238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WitherAndDecay/pseuds/WitherAndDecay
Summary: Oswald thought he'd been through the worst of his heartbreak. But now, Ed and Isabella are engaged and he doesn't know if he can go on, or keep the truth unspoken.But maybe things will work out in his favour anyway...
Relationships: Isabella/Edward Nygma, Oswald Cobblepot/Edward Nygma
Comments: 22
Kudos: 102





	1. The Valley of my Shattered Heart

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to just be a one-shot, but uhh... yeah...

He should have been happy for him. He knows that. But the agonising heartbreak was too much, and he couldn't spare an ounce of happiness. Not even for his true love. Or was he even that? He belonged to someone else. They'll never be together. Especially not now...

Ed had come to work all happy and giddy that day. When Oswald had asked him why he was so happy, he instantly regretted it. He felt his heart shatter, and his world crumble all over again. Ed had whipped out his left hand from behind his back and flashed the golden band around his finger, grinning ear to ear. 

"That's wonderful, Ed." Was how Oswald responded. He did mean it, but for the most part he thought the exact opposite. This was not wonderful. This was gut wrenching. That woman was stealing Ed away for good, and now there was no way Oswald could ever be with him. Ever tell him the truth. 

"She wants to get married as soon as possible. She said we've wasted too much time."

"And do you agree?"

"I do. She's the love of my life Oswald. I can't wait to be with her forever," Ed tells through his grin. 

"Well. I'm happy for you." That was a lie. Oswald was not happy. Maybe it was selfish of him, but at this point Oswald didn't care. He had always had a hope that Ed and Isabella would eventually break up. Maybe Ed would kill her, and that would be it. But now, that was all impossible. Ed was going to live the ideal perfect life in the suburbs, with the perfect wife, and will likely end up with a few children. Oswald had never pegged Ed to be the type for all that nonsense. He supposed that it was just her who brought it out in him. Ed had even told Oswald he didn't like children. But now he can't stop imagining him having a few with his soon to be wife. It hurt Oswald so much, and made him sick to his stomach. Some people did get a happy ending, but apparently Oswald was not one of them. He was destined to spend the rest of his days alone, drowning in his heartbreak and loneliness. 

Needless to say, when Oswald returned home that night, he drank himself to sleep. The manor had become so cold and empty since Ed left. It made Oswald feel cold and empty most of the time. He was relieved, but also hurt, that he only needed to see Ed at work. In fact, he can't recall the last time the two of them just spent some quality time together. As friends. He wasn't even sure if they were still friends at this point. 

Oswald plucked a few decanters from their cabinet shelf and took them to the couch with him. _That couch_. Oswald had been tempted to get rid of it. Near enough every time Oswald was near it, he remembered that night. The one where he realised he was in love. That felt like forever ago, but it was only ten months. He lit the fire, sat back on the couch and proceeded to drink himself away. Drown out all the misery and agony. Who even knew that just one person could make him feel all of this? Heartbreak was so much worse than he could have ever imagined. He hated that he was hurting most of the time, but if he wasn't hurting then he just felt empty. There were times when death really did seem like it would be a welcome relief. He recalls the time where it all became too much for him, so he had sat right here, holding his gun in his lap. He stared at it for a while, just thinking. He wanted to do it. He was going to do it, but then Ed had to come and interrupt him. Back when he still lived here.

Oswald finishes the first decanter, and discards it carelessly on the floor. He pulls the top off the next one, and welcomes that sense numbing liquid. It didn't burn his throat going down this time. He takes a few large gulps, then stops to breathe. Maybe if he had just pulled the trigger that day. It's not like there was anyone around to actually miss him. Maybe Ed would have been upset for a few days, but he would have gotten over it in no time, given the fact he has the love of his life there for him for everything. 

Love was supposed to bring happiness. So why did everything feel so pointless? Oswald isn't even sure what kept him going, but whatever it was, he despised it. He wanted the strength to let go. But it never came to him. He'd thought about it so many times, and tonight was no different. Once the second decanter was done, he pulled that little pistol out of it's hiding spot. Oswald licks the excess whiskey off his lips as he stares at the hunk of metal in his lap. He lists the pros and cons of the decision. And even if it turned out to be more beneficial for Oswald, he just couldn't do it. He groans, tosses it aside, and carries on drinking himself away. 

The next day, Oswald had done his best to avoid Ed at work. He just couldn't bare it, and especially not now with that golden peice of junk around his finger. It hurt too much to even think about, so he couldn't even imagine just seeing it again. Or Ed bringing it up. There was only a couple of times where they had to see each other that day, thankfuly. Ed was just dropping a few things off, and Oswald made sure not to look directly at him. 

"Are you alright, Oswald?" Ed suddenly asks him.

"I'm, yeah, I'm ok, alright. Why do you ask?" Oswald is quick to stutter his response. 

"You just seem a little off." Ed did a little gesture to Oswald, and the light reflected off his ring. Another pang went through Oswald's chest, and he almost winced at how much it hurt. 

"Nothing to worry about," Oswald assures through a fake smile. And Ed let it go. Just like that. He left Oswald's office without another question. And he'd be lying if he said he wasn't a little disappointed. He didn't want or need Ed's concern, but part of him wanted Ed to keep prying. Then Oswald could break down, and spill the truth about everything. Maybe it would have gone in his favour. Ed would realise that he didn't want to marry Isabella, that he wanted to be with Oswald. It was such a silly idea. Quite pathetic, actually. He shouldn't still be having little fantasies like that. His hopes and dreams were crushed long ago and to keep thinking about it is really saddening. 

When the day was over, Oswald decided to stay late. He would not allow any chance of running into Ed on the way out. He knows Ed did tend to stay behind to brush up on the days work, or make sure he's done everything thoroughly. So he was lucky tonight when Ed left early. Or at least he had hoped so when he went and double checked Ed's office to find it empty. He didn't feel like returning to the hollowness of the manor, so Oswald headed back to his own office to drink some more. He had kept a mini stash hidden away in his desk drawer. It was just an ordinary flask, but he had made sure it was always full, just in case of times of need. Like he felt this was. He realised that he'd been drinking a lot more than usual recently. Though, that was to be expected with his heartache. 

When Oswald had gotten back, he was shocked to see the cause of said heartache standing in his office. It looked like he was going through Oswald's drawers, for whatever reason. 

"Oswald."

"Edward. Something I can help you with?" He remains stood in the door way, not having the inner strength to move any closer. 

"No, no. I was just..." Ed trails off, changing his gaze between Oswald, and the desk he stood behind. 

"Just what?" Oswald presses his lips into a thin line, squints his eyes and attempts to study Ed even if it hurt to look at him. 

"Why are you still here?" Ed asks instead. Oswald rolls his eyes a little at the obvious deflect, but doesn't care enough to ask again.

"I uh, forgot something, that's all," he lies in return. Why should he tell the truth? That would only bring on more questions, or possibly even hurt Ed's feelings which was something he did not want to do. He watches as Ed twists that thing around his finger. He looked nervous about something, but Oswald couldn't decide whether or not he cared. There's another beat of silence before Ed speaks again. 

"Am I in your way?"

"No, it's fine. I'm just, I'll uh, get it tomorrow. Yeah." Oswald gives a quick dismissive wave, then turns to head back out the door. 

"Have I done something to upset you?"

"No." _Yes_. "It's fine, Edward. Really," Oswald assures, and with that he leaves. 

He doesn't go back to the manor. He's not ready yet. He finds he still can't really take being there alone. Instead, he instructs his driven to take him to the Sirens. He had formed such an unlikely friendship with Barbara Kean recently, and she was a good listener where love was concerned. Yes, Oswald had poured his heart out to her. Told her of his feelings to Ed and how it hurt that he had someone else. She'd been surprisingly supportive, and offered useful advice and comfort to Oswald. It's likely she didn't know about Ed's engagement, and Oswald really needed to cry over it to _someone_. He really didn't get how Barbara had tolerated all of his nonsense. He figured it was maybe because she had been through something similar. 

Barbara pours him a glass of the Lambrini she kept for her own sake. Oswald wasn't particularly fond of it, but he'd take anything that had alcohol at this point. Maybe drinking away his feelings wasn't the best choice, but it's all he wanted to do. Barbara lets him drink a few glasses, before voicing her question. 

"What's got you down this time, Os?" She pours more of the liquid into Oswald's glass as she speaks. 

"Edward is engaged now," he deadpans. He takes the freshly topped up glass, and throws it down his throat. He still doesn't like that taste. 

"Oh yeah, that would do it." She screws the top back on the bottle, and places it under the counter. 

"So that's it. Any little ounce of hope I was holding onto has just been torn away from me. I've lost him forever." Oswald doesn't bother to stop the tears from falling. He really doesn't care who he cries in front of anymore. People believed that a man who cries is weak, but Oswald believed that it takes more strength to let true emotions show. 

"Not even the little idea he may kill her?" She questions casually, reaching the shelves behind her to find another liquor. 

"Right. Like he'd kill his future _wife_ ," Oswald scoffs. God it hurt him so much to say that. Edward's future wife. 

"You know it's not impossible. Men kill their wives all the time," Barbara shrugs like it's no big deal. She finally plucks a bottle of Vodkat off the shelf and places it onto the counter. 

"If he was going to accidentally kill her, I think it would have happened already." Oswald helps himself to the new drink offered to him. Barbara doesn't care that he just drinks it straight from the bottle. He always screws up his face at the taste of the stuff. 

"I told you, you should just tell him how you feel. It might not get you two together, but you'd certainly feel a whole lot better. It's depressing seeing you like this, you know."

Oswald gulps down a few more mouthfuls. He considers her suggestion. He'd thought about telling him many times, of course. But now he really has nothing to lose. He was barely around Ed these days anyway, so it's not like there was much of a friendship to lose. And he doubted Ed would stay in this God awful city to have the 'perfect family'. But would it be fair on Ed? If Oswald were to suddenly go announcing his love, which he'd known about for a while now, how would it effect him? Oswald huffs. It didn't really matter how it would effect him now, did it?

"You know what? I'll do it," he announces. 

"Great! I think you may find that it will lift a huge weight off your chest."

"There is no point in me fearing rejection anymore, I've already lost him for good." Oswald takes a few more drinks. Barbara just grins as she watches him. 

"So when will you do it?" she asks once he places the half empty bottle back down. He shrugs. 

"Tomorrow, the day after?" he sighs. Did this really need a lot of planning? It's not like it would do anything. He won't hear the words being said back at him. He won't be walking away in a happy relationship. Nope, this did not need a special occasion, or a dinner or anything. Oswald could say it at work, and be done with it. His feelings weren't a big deal anyhow. 

"How about right now?"

"You're kidding?" Oswald glares at her. She glares back, conveying that she was dead serious. Oswald lets out another scoff. "No."

"Why not?"

"Cause he'll be with _her_! I don't want to see her face, or even smell her scent. I don't want to breathe the same air as her!" he exclaims. Oh yes, Oswald truly hated Isabella. 

"So why don't you do it over the phone?"

"The phone? Are you even being serious, Barbara?"

"Or write a note? I know that trying to confess has been difficult for you, so I'm just putting forward some easier options. Most people, when their too afraid to use words, write a letter. Like a poem or a riddle. Or just flat out say it. Maybe Eddie would appreciate the riddle now that I think about it."

And Ed had already presented Oswald with the perfect love riddle once before. Oswald had once hoped, upon thinking back on it, that the riddle had a double meaning. He foolishly thought that maybe Ed was trying to say he loved Oswald. But that was simply absurd. He could use that same riddle. Write it as a note like Barbara suggested. Or Oswald could make a huge scene out of the confession. Like wait until Ed's wedding and barge through those doors announcing his love at the top of his lungs. Now that idea made Oswald smile to himself. It certainly would be a sight. But no. He can't make a big deal out of it. Nothing special needs to be done or said. He should say it straight. 

"Tomorrow," he agrees to himself. "I'll just say it the moment I see him."

"Well that's not exactly as spectacular as I was hoping, but it's your decision," Barbara shrugs. 

"What's the point in making it spectacular? Ed won't care..." And if Ed didn't care, what was the point in saying anything at all?

"Maybe not, but it would do you good to get it out there."

"Perhaps..."

Oswald finished his drink, thanked Barbara for everything and headed back to his cold and empty home. When he got there, he had a long hard think about how he would really present the information to Ed. He still didn't want to make a big deal out of it, but it had to be more than just saying 'I love you' and being done with it. And if he said that, maybe Ed would just think he meant as a best friend if they were even still that. He considers the riddle again. Ed would appreciate that, right? But his appreciation doesn't matter, since he doesn't reciprocate. Why did this need to be so complicated? There's nothing left to lose. His world has already fallen apart. So the best thing to do was probably just say it, get it out the way and be done with it. For good. 

Oswald could hardly say he was surprised that couldn't confess when he saw Ed the following day. He had it planned out in his head again. But it didn't go his way, as always. Once he saw Ed, his heartache caught back up to him and he couldn't face it. He couldn't look at Ed without wanting to die. So he said a simple hello and fled. And he knows he shouldn't drink on the job, but he couldn't help it. He needed to drown everything out. He pulled the flask out the drawer and downed it as best he could. 

He was getting so tired. Of everything. Instead of being upset over this all the time, he should just try getting over Ed. He didn't want to be in love if it meant he fell apart everyday. Perhaps it would be easier if Ed wasn't in his life at all? Should he encourage him to leave Gotham too? Or was that... just too selfish of him? 

Oswald throws the empty flask onto his desk and puts his head into his hands. What would really make everything easier, would be if Isabella never existed. If she was dead. Or if Ed had simply shown up to dinner that night. Or better yet, if Oswald had spoke earlier that day like he was going to! The more he thought about it, the more he realised this was all his own fault. For being such a coward. There were multiple instances where he could have said something, but he never did. It was _his_ fault that he lost Ed. It was _his_ fault that he was hurting so much everyday. It's him who doesn't have the strength to say three simple little words. 

"Oswald?"

Oswald blinks, lifting his head to see who had come in. 

"Oh... Edward," he responds.

"Are you ok?"

"Why do you insist on asking me that? Yes, I'm fine!" he rolls his eyes.

"Then why does it look like you've been crying?" Ed points out, stepping farther into the room. Oswald immediately goes to touch his face, to find it damp with tears. 

"Oh..." he wipes them away with the back of his hand.

"You _can_ talk to me, Oswald. I know we haven't been as close as we used to lately, and I'm sorry, but I am still here for you. I always will be." Ed's now standing in front of Oswald. He was wearing that stupid concerned expression, and Oswald wanted to wipe it clean off his face. He didn't want Ed to be concerned.

"It's nothing, really," he tries to assure. 

"Stop lying to me, Oswald."

"I really don't see why you care."

"Because I--you're the best friend I've ever had! Of course I care about you."

"You're my best friend as well, Edward," Oswald frowns again. He wanted to be more than that... But he couldn't. His eyes quickly fall to that thing on Ed's finger, and his frown tightens. Ed picks up on it, and follows his gaze. 

"Oh Oswald. Is it because of this?" he holds up his left hand for an indication. Oswald simply looks away. "This doesn't mean anything. You know you're always going to be important to me, so whatever you're worried about, it's ok." 

And this was it. This was the moment. 

"It's not ok!"

Ed blinks in his surprise. "What exactly are you worried about?"

"Everything! Ed I'm going to lose you forever to that awful woman, and it _hurts so much!_ " Well, now that was out in the open. This wasn't exactly how he wanted his confession to go. Oswald sighs and slumps back into his chair. He felt the wetness run down his cheeks again. He doesn't bother wiping them away this time. He'd been crying a lot recently too.

"I don't, understand what you mean," was all Ed could reply with. 

"I'm just going to have to say it straight, aren't I?"

"Say what?"

"I fucking love you, Ed!"


	2. Don't Ask Me Why I Wait For Someone That Won't Show

Oswald had many different imaginings of how he would confess his feelings to Ed. All of them would always be perfect in some way or another. The mood. The place. The time. What they were doing... How Ed would react. In his imaginings he sometimes opted for courage, take a leap of faith and start his confession with a kiss. It always made him want to feel Ed's lips. He pictured them being soft. It would be amazing to feel them, especially against his own. Nothing ever went wrong in Oswald's mind, but there was always a nagging fear holding him back. Sometimes he wasn't even sure what it was, or why it was there. Why was he so incapable of saying three little words?

This was why. 

This is why he could never allow himself to say it. 

Ed pulled such a _face_. Oswald had never seen him do that before, he didn't even know what it was. What emotion was behind it? But he does know that it made his heart drop. It felt like he was being choked, looking at Ed that way. He didn't even think it was possible but it hurt more than believing he could never have Ed. Whatever cracks had formed in his heart from all the aching would surely just be shattered pieces now. He felt like he was going to throw up. How could an expression have this effect? He would cry, but he felt fresh out of tears at the moment. 

After Ed said nothing for what felt like an eternity, Oswald just had it. He grit his teeth together, hard, and scrunched up his face. 

"Leave," he hisses at Ed through his grit teeth. Ed doesn't reply. He just continues to _stare_.

"Leave, Edward! Now!" Oswald raises from his seat, yelling at him. Ed opens his mouth as if he were about to speak, but shuts it and hastily leaves the room. When the door is closed, and Oswald is sure Ed's not coming back, he collapses back down and the tears start again. Oswald had been afraid of _rejection_. That's what was keeping him back. And God, did he wish he had kept it back because this was fucking painful. Like someone, or rather Ed, had just pushed a thousand daggers through his heart. And he didn't even need to use words. It was just one face, and Oswald knew it. Confessing was a mistake. No, no. _Loving Ed was a mistake!_

Oswald rests his forehead in his palms, and digs his fingers into his scalp. He was sorely mistaken to have thought that Ed being with someone else was the worst of his heartbreak. And if this is what non-verbal rejection felt like, then words would probably pierce so much worse. He lets out choked up sobs. He wishes he could erase his damn feelings. Wishes he never caught them in the first place. It was all a waste. It brought nothing but pain and suffering. And Ed was right when he once said they were better off unencumbered. Oswald should have listened. Love was a curse for him. It didn't bring happiness or fulfillment. He should have tried getting over Ed the moment he learned of Isabelle. Then this would have hurt less, if it even hurt at all. He should have kept his mouth shut. Of course Ed wasn't going to return these feelings. Of course he was going to be repulsed by them. Now he's going to hate Oswald for good. Want nothing to do with him. In fact, he's probably filling out a resignation form right now. 

After forever of non stop sobbing, Oswald's entire upper body ached. He had cried too much, and hadn't been breathing properly. He knew he couldn't stay here, he had to get away. But how could he do that, without being spotted or questioned, or worse. Run into Edward by mistake. Well, that was a risk he was going to have to take because he could not stay here. He was too sore now. He couldn't focus. He just needed to be somewhere else. Do something else. This place, his current situation, his thoughts, they all just screamed Edward and Oswald couldn't take it. So he called his driver to come and get him, as discreetly as he could. He didn't want anyone to see him. He didn't want to be questioned. He didn't want to make a false announcement that he was 'sick'. 

He waited until it was supposed to be his lunch break. His face hurt a little less by that point, but his heart was another story. He sneaked out the back, and scurried into the limo awaiting him. He ordered the man to just drive him back home. He couldn't be in the same area as Edward a moment longer. 

***

Ed couldn't deny he felt more than a little worried. It had been almost twenty-four hours since he had last seen or even heard from Oswald. Ed knows it was his fault. He doesn't know what had compelled him into his silence, but he knew that's why Oswald just flipped. Ed just couldn't shake the look of pure heartbreak on Oswald's face. How Oswald had just died when Ed looked into his eyes. It hurt, but if Ed was honest he wasn't sure why it hurt as much as it did. He felt bad, yes. For many things. Not figuring it out sooner. Having to put Oswald through seeing him with another person. Reacting the way he had upon finding out. Not being able to reciprocate...

Well, Ed wasn't sure about that last one. He's fully aware he may have had a crush on Penguin once. Though there was no way he could still have that. He has Isabella. He loves Isabella. But that didn't make it hurt any less remembering the pain he'd been putting Oswald through. The rejection he'd silently fired at him. And it being his fault that Oswald has just disappeared. He knows he's an idiot for having this hope that Oswald would call him. That wasn't ever going to happen. Ed's screwed everything up between them and he doubts Oswald would be willing to repair it. 

But if he did? Even if it takes months, what would things be like if between them? Is Oswald going to try erasing his affections? Will he pretend they're not there? Will he continue to love Ed, or will he never love him again? 

"What's wrong?" Isabella's voice brings Ed out of his thoughts. Or were they worries?

"Nothing. Everything's fine," he tries to assure her. She just frowns. 

"Edward, tell me. We don't keep secrets from each other, remember?" she pushes, reaching her hand across their little kitchen table to place on top of Ed's own hand. But when she does it, Ed's not sure why, he flinches. Just a little, but does it nonetheless. He sucks in a deep breath. He doesn't think it's much of her business, but is it really worth hiding?

"Oswald's in love with me. He told me, yesterday."

"Oh..." Isabella rolls her eyes, seemingly disappointed or something along those lines. "I thought he would have been over that by now," she shakes her head. 

"Excuse me?" Ed's eyes widen and he stares at her. 

"Nothing. So why does this have you so distracted?"

"I don't know. Well, it's probably because of how I reacted. He seemed so upset. So heartbroken... I guess it's got me distracted because _I_ did that to him," Ed explains. He's not even sure if that's the whole truth. 

"I have no doubt you reacted how anyone would to finding out their best friend is in love with them. It's nothing to feel guilty about, Ed. He'll be fine. He'll work through his heartbreak and things will go back to normal between you two," she says in a way that's making Ed believe that she doesn't really care what happens to Oswald. Or even what happens to Oswald and Ed's friendship. And that irritates him. She should care. Oswald means everything to Ed. How could she talk about him like he doesn't matter? Like his feelings don't matter? He loves Ed, and Ed's just gone and crushed his entire world. How can she be so nonchalant about that? 

Ed sighs. She was also right, probably. Oswald did have outbursts of emotions, but they always passed. This would pass too, and he would be ok. "You're right. I hope..." He offers her a small smile, and she leans across the table to press a gentle kiss to his cheek.

So Ed tried not to worry. He hung onto Isabella's reassurance, if that's even what it was supposed to be, and figured Oswald would be back to normal soon. Or at least, show himself soon. And he hoped that things would be ok between them because Ed would hate to lose his best and possibly only friend. He'd especially hate it if the reason was him. His obliviousness to Oswald's feelings. His unjustified reaction to finding out about said feelings. He wouldn't be surprised if Oswald wanted him dead, actually. If anything, he definitely deserved it. For betraying and hurting Oswald in such a way. 

  
Withholding his worry was getting harder, however, as it had now been six days. Six days, and nothing. No phone call, no message, no showing up to City Hall. It was like Oswald had vanished. Ed wanted to go to the manor to check up on Oswald, but the coward in him prevented him from doing so. Besides that, Oswald needed to work through his heartbreak on his own. It wouldn't be easy if Ed was around him. Even if it was just to make sure he was ok... Would he really be ok though? If he's been silent for this long then surely Ed was inclined to believe the worst. Would Oswald really be the type to take his own life? Then again, Ed never believed Oswald to be the type to fall in love. Perhaps he doesn't know the other man as well as he thought he did. Maybe Oswald did do it? But if he had then word would spread like a wild fire. No Oswald was still alive. Or maybe...

And that was it. 

Once he was finished with his work that day, Ed went to Oswald's manor instead of going home to Isabella. He couldn't bare the uncertainty anymore. It was going to continue to claw at his mind until he knew his friend was ok. That was definitely the only reason he'd been thinking about Oswald non stop for nearly a week. Even the little ideas of what things may have been like had Oswald just confessed before Ed ever met his fiance. The small imagining of what Oswald would be like as a boyfriend. Picturing him being so warm and gentle with Ed. Constant loving praises. Soft comforting touches. Kisses that would be nothing but perfect. What would Oswald's lips feel like against Ed's skin? What would he be like in bed? Would Oswald even be interested in that? If so, what would he prefer?

Yes. All those thoughts, just chalked up to nothing but Ed worrying for a friend. He was definitely not even a little curious to find out the answers.

Ed pulled up in the manor drive way. When he stopped his car, he just sat and stared at the building going over dozens of different scenarios of what Oswald would do. Being happy to see Ed wasn't too likely. Being absolutely beyond pissed that Ed would dare show his face was believable. Being too upset to even look at Ed or even have Ed in the same place as him. Whatever the outcome, he needs to be sure Oswald is actually still alive in there. So he gets out of his car, walking inside the manor with his false confidence guiding his every step. 

The second those doors were opened, Ed was struck with this _sense_. The whole house seemed to carry nothing but cold, emptiness, and pain. He steps inside, closing the doors quietly behind him, then went to go and check the most likely place of Oswald's whereabouts. The farther Ed ventured inside, the stronger the negative feelings got. He found it odd that a building could be this way. Just rot with pain and sorrow. Sure enough though, he finds Oswald. Laying asleep on the couch. Notably there was more than a few bottles scattered around the floor. That was undeniably _Oswald_. Ed sighs. At least he knew Oswald was alive, but he most certainly was not ok. Ed almost immediately notices that Oswald's right hand was bandaged up. It wasn't very well done, like it hadn't been done with enough care. He could see the dried blood that soaked through, an obvious indication that Oswald's knuckles were bleeding. Whatever from, Ed couldn't decipher. 

Ed kneels down next to Oswald. Of course, his stench consisted of nothing but alcohol. Ed places a hand into Oswald's hair, which was thick with grease and worn out product. His skin was cold, and his breathing appeared to be shallow. Was he in a deep or light sleep? How long had he been like this for?

When Ed retracts his hand, Oswald's eyes snap open. Ed freezes. He stops breathing, staring at Oswald with wide-eyes and a guilt written face. Oswald blinks multiple times, screwing up his face like he was in pain. His eyes were red. He had clearly been crying. Probably a lot. Knowing that only made Ed feel worse, after all it was his fault. 

Oswald shoots up right, backing up as far as he could against the couch. He stares back at Ed with the same shocked expression. Ed moves away just a little, remaining on his knees, not really sure what else he's supposed to do. He had an idea of what to say, but now he's here, all words have slipped his mind. All he can do is just stare and it's awkward. 

"W-why-wha-what are you doing here?" Oswald stammers when he starts to calm down. His voice was hoarse, probably from dehydration.

"I'm checking up on you." Ed bites his lip, waiting. They share another moment of stuffy silence before Oswald clears his throat. 

"Well," he starts "You did that, now you can leave." Oswald averts his eyes so he's no longer looking directly at Ed, who frowns at Oswald's words. 

"I... I-I'm sorry," is all Ed could manage to say. He wants to say so much more, but can't. Sorry doesn't even feel like enough. 

"Don't be," Oswald waves it off, wincing when he does so. He grips onto his right hand, which all gives Ed the clear idea that it hurts. "If anything, I should be thanking you."

"Thank me?" Ed tilts his head, confused. What was there to be thankful for? Ed had crushed him, hurt him. 

"For reminding me that love is a weakness. One I cannot afford to have." Oswald pushes himself up off the couch, standing as straight as he could in his likely hungover state. Ed stands too, but takes a few steps back so he isn't so close to Oswald. Even if he wants to be. And he can't respond to what Oswald said. If loving Ed had lead him to be hurt this much, then it was very much true. Love was a weakness for Oswald and if Ed said otherwise then it would be a lie. That makes him feel even worse. There's nothing he can do. 

"So if you don't mind, Edward, I'd like to continue getting myself together. My way, on my own," he says expectantly. But Ed remembers something, watching Oswald tug at the bandage on his hand. 

"You're hand," Ed observes. 

"What about it?" Oswald spat, halting his actions and looks Ed straight in the eyes. 

"You're hurt. What happened?" he asks. Oswald rolls his eyes with a scoff. He pushes past Ed and makes for the kitchen area. Ed hangs back, awaiting his answer. 

It takes Oswald about a minute before he reemerges from the kitchen, wrapping a new bandage roughly around his hand. He stops dead in his tracks when he realises Ed is still there and gives another eye roll. 

"What?" he demands impatiently. 

"You didn't answer me."

"What does it matter? It's not like you'd care." Oswald shakes his head then continues his attempt at wrapping up his hand. 

"That's not true. You _know_ I care about you," Ed protests. The frown on his lips was getting tighter. 

"Is that why you were so... so... _repulsed_ when I finally told you of my feelings for you?" Oswald shot, recalling that heart-wrenching moment. He could still picture Ed's reaction perfectly. 

"What? I wasn't! I was surprised, a-and I didn't know how to react. Oswald, I'm sorry, I-I didn't, I wouldn't, I'm not..." Without thinking, Ed moves quickly forward and gently takes Oswald's injured hand in his own. He stares into his eyes apologetically, because he knows that just saying the words would never be enough to convey how much he means it. "I'm sorry I made you think that."

"Whatever." Oswald snatches his hand back. "Damage has already been done. Now, don't you have a fiance to get home to?" he marches past Ed, throwing himself back down onto the couch and once again resumes trying to bandage his hand. Ed, instinctively, joins Oswald. He takes the bandage and does up Oswald's hand himself. 

"Kris--er--Isabella can wait," he murmurs while doing his task. "And please, tell me what happened to your hand in the first place."

Oswald sighs. "I was hurting too much over your rejection, and the alcohol wasn't doing a good job at numbing my senses, so I the smashed glass over myself."

Ed stops wrapping. He stares at it, swallows, squeezes his eyes shut for a few seconds to think. "You did... _what_?"

"You heard me."

"Why would you do something so stupid?!"

"Did I not just say why? I don't see why you're making it out to be a big deal. It's nothing. At least not compared to..." he trails off, joining Ed's gaze at his wounded hand. Ed's own hands felt warm and soft. Oswald always loved his gentle touches. Wished to feel them more often. Once again, his eyes fall to that stupid golden band around Ed's finger. And if it were even possible, he felt his heart shatter again. He will never get to have Ed in that way. He'll never have more than simple platonic touches. He'll never get to hold Ed in his arms, whisper sweet words to him, tell him he loves him. He'll never get that. Ed will never be _his_. 

"You're... crying," Ed points out.

"What are you doing here, Ed?" Oswald asks, purposeful ignoring Ed's observation. 

"I needed to make sure you were ok. I mean, I knew that you weren't going to be. And I hate that this is my fault. Nothing I can say or do will be enough to prove how sorry I truly am." Ed continues wrapping Oswald's hand. He finished up, but instead of letting go, just continues to hold him. And Oswald doesn't pull away. 

"Sorry. What exactly is it you're sorry for?"

"I... Rejecting you? Especially the way I did. I-I didn't mean to," Ed replies. He feels like there's more he should be sorry for, however, he can't quite put his finger on what that is. He starts to run his thumb across Oswald's bandaged knuckles, careful as to not hurt him. He doesn't want to hurt him anymore than he already has. "I wish I could make it up to you, but I'm not sure exactly what it is I can do."

"Nothing." Oswald finally takes his hand away. They look each other in the eyes. "I should have gotten over you long ago, I know that. It certainly would have made all this easier. I just need to work through this. And whenever that is, I-I hope we can just go back to the way things were."

"Yeah. That would be..." Ideal? No. It wouldn't be, because that's not what Ed wants. "Good." He settles on, even if it's a lie. Things were never going to be the same between them now and he doesn't want to go back to being friends. Not anymore. He just can't stop imagining being more.

"I should go," he announces as he stands up. 

"I think that would be best," Oswald agrees. 

"I'm sorry, for everything. Hurting you, and um making you do... _That_." He gestures to Oswald's self inflicted wound. He couldn't gather the strength to look at it, knowing he was the cause. He was always hurting Oswald, wasn't he? He'd been doing it for months and hadn't even realised. He failed to pick up on the signs. 

"Bye, Ed," Oswald ignores his apology. He tilts his head down so he can't see Ed anymore. Ed says his own goodbye, then makes a hasty retreat out the manor. He's really going to need a good distraction to take his mind off of Oswald. He just hopes that Kris--Isabella would be up for some fun activities tonight. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has certainly gone off track, aha...


	3. Even if Someone You Care About Gets Hurt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I proof read this? Nope.  
> I just wrote this all up in one night, and I hope you're satisfied with it like I am - I will die like a moron.

Things were absolutely far from fine. Oswald had tried to get back into normality, but it was just too... weird. It was painful being around Ed for more reasons that just his aching heart. Ed was being awkward and distant around him. Instead of Oswald trying to avoid Ed as much as he could, it seemed to be Ed avoiding Oswald whenever he could. Whenever they interacted with one another, Oswald tried to pretend things were fine, but Ed just wasn't there. His mind seemed to be in a different place, it was like he had forgotten how to talk to Oswald too. He had claimed he wasn't disgusted by Oswald's love for him, but Oswald was starting to feel like that wasn't true. 

He wanted to make the most of the time he had left with his best friend - and true love - but it was proving to be impossible. Ed was going to be getting married by the end of the month, which Oswald found utterly ridiculous as Ed and Isabella had only been engaged for two weeks at this point. He was positive that after the ceremony, Ed would be gone for good, he may never see him again. 

It wasn't true that confessing his feelings would lift the weight from his chest. In fact, if anything, it made everything all the more unbearable. Knowing how Ed feels about it, knowing he can never reciprocate, hurt far more than keeping it all a secret every did or possibly ever could. 

Absolutely nothing was ok. 

Oswald had to talk to Ed, regardless of how horrible it's going to be, and try to sort this new awkwardness out. He knows he won't be able to stand it for much longer. He truly hated himself for saying anything to begin with. He should have just kept it to himself, waiting for the feelings to fade. But no. He had to make everything worse. 

As the end of the day was nearing, Oswald decided then would be the best time to get it out of the way. They could talk, and then not need to see each other until tomorrow. 

He sat back in his chair, watching the clock, and picking at the scabs on his knuckle - which he knows he shouldn't do but really couldn't help it. Ed would need to come in and drop off his finished paper work for Oswald, so when he does that is when they could sort this out. 

Oswald gave a tiny wince when he accidentally ripped a scab right off and started bleeding again. He started wiping it away, and just then, Ed entered his office with the previously mentioned files. He kept his gaze fixed to the ground as he approached the desk, still didn't look at Oswald as he set them down. 

Oswald pushed himself up from his chair, grabbing Ed's arm before he could walk away, demanding that he wait. Ed sighs, still refusing to look at Oswald. 

"What else do you need?" he asked. 

" _We_ need to talk, Ed."

"I see... Ha-have I done something wrong?"

"No, well, not exactly," Oswald huffs. "Are we ok? Things have been undeniably... _Weird_ , between us and I just, I need to know, is it because of me?" 

"No! No, no, it's not because of you." Ed turns around, so now he's actually facing Oswald, making direct eye contact with him for the first time in a week. "I'm sorry, you're right, things have been weird. But I promise you, it's not because I'm off-put or whatever over your feelings for me." Ed places a hand on Oswald's shoulder, offering him a smile too. 

"Then what is it? I-if it's alright for me to ask."

"It's... um..." Ed averts his eyes, biting on his bottom lip like he was stuck in thought, as he was. He couldn't very well admit that he's been thinking about his friend non-stop for the past two weeks. And Ed wouldn't exactly call it a platonic way, what with all the imaginings of how Oswald would feel against him, how gentle his kisses would be, how his lips would feel...

In his desperate attempt to look anywhere but Oswald's captivating eyes, Ed's gaze lands on his injured hand instead. He sees the fresh blood and immediately gasps, taking it in his own to wipe it away. 

"You're supposed to let it heal!" He scoulds as he wipes the blood away. Oswald scoffs.

"It's not like it's going to kill me, Ed."

"I don't care, you're still hurt regardless." Ed stops wiping the blood off, but continues to hold Oswald's hand in his own. He was cold - Ed had imagined Oswald being warm, and soft. He proceeds to absentmindedly caress Oswald's damaged knuckles with his thumb as he looks back to his eyes. 

It would just be so easy. To move closer, lean in just a bit closer, and press their lips together. To finally find out what it would feel like in every sense. 

But they can't. Edward is engaged, and Oswald is just his friend. He's not even supposed to be thinking like this. So, regretfully, Ed steps back, letting Oswald go. He wished him a goodnight, before leaving him once again. 

And wouldn't everything just be so much easier if these feelings never existed?

***

Ed was absolutely fucked. There was no denying it. He didn't know what to do. A couple more days worth of hard thinking, and he realised, he was more than likely in love. With _Oswald_. Not his fiance, his best friend!

Nothing Ed did could get Oswald out of his mind. It was absolutely consumed with all sorts of thoughts about him. And there was nothing Ed could do. It was stupid, being physically intimate with Isabella had started to feel wrong somehow. Wrong, and uncomfortable. He doesn't know when that started, nor when he started picturing it being Oswald he was doing these things with, but he can't say it was unpleasant. 

Just how long had he actually felt this way for? Why had he never realised it before? Was it... _wrong_ , to long for someone else while he was already in a serious relationship?

He doesn't know how much longer he could bear this for. He loves someone he shouldn't, and doesn't want to be with someone he should. And what was there to do about it? 

Ed had been so happy with Isabella. She was perfect. She offered what every normal man would want. Ed wasn't normal, however. He had tried so hard to be, which is probably how he managed to convince himself that this is what he truly wanted. 

It wasn't. Maybe it was his preference to begin with, but the closer this future was to becoming reality, the more Ed wanted to run away from it. Settling down, having a family, living a normal, peaceful life, was that really meant for him? Is that really what he was destined for?

No. That is not what Ed was made for. He was supposed to have so much more to his life, make a name for himself. Make sure this city never forgets him. Have his name written in the history books. Strike fear into the hearts of these drab boring people. He couldn't, can't, do that with Isabella. That isn't what she offers. Ed's fate, his destiny, isn't by her side at all. It was by Oswald's. 

But how does he go about doing that?

***

Oswald drags himself back into the cold, emptiness of the manor. It had been a long, painfully boring day for him, and all he wanted to do at the moment was drown his pain with booze. It was so stupid and ridiculous that he still felt this way. He should have been over it by now, not clinging to it as though it were his lifeline. Edward was supposed to be his lifeline, his heart, his entire world. Everything. It was supposed to be a good thing. However it was taking a massive toll on Oswald. Probably more so than it should be. He can't really control these things though, can he?

Oswald isn't sure how much time had passed when he heard the front door to the manor open and close. He was laying down on the couch, staring at the ceiling, with the emptiness consuming him. His mind starts to come back to reality when he hears footsteps rushing through the room. He notices that it's gotten dark out, so he must have been lying here for a few hours. He's about to sit up when he feels someone grab him. They wrap their arms tightly around him, and in Oswald's current state of mind he hadn't managed to register who. 

"I'm so fucked, Oswald."

"Ed?"

"Oh god, I don't know what to do." Ed squeezes him tighter, making Oswald feel more lightheaded than he already was. 

"Ed, Ed, e-ease up." Oswald tries to sit up again, gently pushing Ed away. 

"Sorry!" he apologises as he hastily releases his hold. 

"What are you doing here? What's wrong?" Oswald questions as he rubs his eyes.

"You know I've been acting weird lately, I-I never told you why, I mean I mostly didn't understand it myself, but I realised recently, that there is a reason behind it, and it terrified me at first but now I-I accept it, although I am so utterly screwed by it, because I don't know what to do, I know what I want now, I think, but I can't, I don't, ugh, sorry I'm rambling now." Ed stops talking for a moment. He takes both of Oswald's hands in his own and takes in a breath. "There's really... I mean... Ok. Put it simply, get it out the way, um I-I'm in love. With you. Oswald."

Silence. 

Oswald's eyes go wide, his heart pounds in his chest, his entire body starts to heat up. He replays the words in his mind over and over, trying to make sense of it. He'd heard it right. There was no way it could be real, or if it was then it couldn't be true. Ed was probably just trying to fuck with him - although he had no reason to. 

Oswald continues to stare at Ed for what felt like an eternity. No words were coming to him. He didn't know how to respond to this. He's wanted to hear Ed say that for so long, but now he finally has, Oswald isn't sure what to make of it. 

"Oswald?"

He tries to speak again, but still ends up just gaping. This made absolutely no sense. Ed couldn't be in love with him. No, he had Isabelle. 

"How can you know for sure?" Oswald finally brings himself to ask after an eternity of silence and stares. 

"Ever since you told me you love me, I have not been able to stop thinking about you. No matter what I did, you just couldn't leave my mind. But then I realised. The reason I couldn't stop thinking about you, is because I didn't want to," Ed explains and it felt so good to finally say. He knew it was true in his mind, but actually saying it aloud, to Oswald, made it feel all the more real. "And, oh dear, Isabella and I - we had sex a few nights ago and all I could think of was you! I-I was imagining you!" Ed goes beet red at the admission. 

"You did not need to tell me that!" Oswald exclaims, going red himself. Nope. Really didn't need to know that. 

"I'm sorry. But, Oswald, I-I don't know what I'm supposed to do! I love you, I know that now, but Isabella..."

"Ed," Oswald starts, removing his hands from Ed's hold to cup his face instead. "Follow your heart. Do what it tells you to, not your mind."

"Even if I end up hurting someone I care about?"

"Love isn't always fair. I know that better than I care to admit, and it's horrible."

"Oh no, I'm so sorry! I put you through hell and I hadn't even realised..."

"Don't be sorry, you don't need to be." Oswald's gaze slid from Ed's face down to his hands. Of course, he was still wearing his ring. Oswald's heart cracked a little more. Maybe it was true, that Ed loved him, but he was getting married to someone else so very soon. They could never be together. Oswald's hands slipped from Ed's face and rested upon his lap. 

"You should... Get back to Isabelle."

"No!" Ed quickly grabbed Oswald's hands once more. 

"No?"

"I-I don't want that. That life I... I realised that it's not what I am destined for."

"Is that so?" Ed nodded. "Then what are you destined for?"

"To rule this city, by your side. That is, of course, only if you want that."

"I would love it," Oswald smiled genuinely for the first time in what felt like a very long time. Ed smiled back at him. He lets Oswald go, and took the damned ring from his finger, slipping it into his jacket pocket. "You're serious?"

"Deadly."

Ed shuffled closer, as close as he could get, taking Oswald's face gently in his hands. Oswald's heart rate sped up, his breath becoming uneven. He really couldn't believe that this was happening. He allowed his eyes to close as Ed leaned in closer, and closer. The faintest brush of Ed's lips against his own was more than enough to make his eyes water. He allows Ed to adjusts his head so their lips lock together perfectly and that is just how it felt - perfect. He was filled with such a warmth and fuzziness he'd never felt before. His heart was fluttering and his stomach doing flips. Ed pushed him back into the couch as he continued to kiss him. One hand moved down, resting on Oswald's waist and Oswald wrapped his arms around Ed's neck, pushing him closer. 

This was really happening. Ed was really here, kissing him, wanting him, _loving_ him. Although, if Oswald were to wake up tomorrow and find that none of this was real, he may not be able to hold his pain inside. He could snap, do something he could possibly regret. But as far as he was concerned right now, it was real. Edward was choosing him over Isabelle. It could be wrong that he was over joyed about it, but he stopped sparing a shred of happiness for Ed's relationship with that awful woman many months ago. 

He allows Ed to kiss him senseless, enjoying every last second of the experience, until he had become too sleepy to do anything. The couch wasn't the most ideal place to spend the night, but he was too tired to move. 

Oswald settles down with Ed beside him. He lets out a content sigh as he snuggles next to Ed, nuzzling his head in the crook of Ed's neck. He holds him close, his breath warm against his face. And Oswald falls into what was probably the best sleep he'd had in the past eleven months. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Definitely not how I wanted this to go, but what can I do?  
> Again, I hope you all are satisfied with ending; they really are not my specialty.


End file.
